I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
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I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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