break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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