At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
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i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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