i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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