I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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