I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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