Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
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There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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