I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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