when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
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In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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