Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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