This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
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He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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