I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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