You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My vagina just clenched in fear
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