I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
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Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Congratulations! We have a period
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