the day after is always just damage control
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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