He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize