How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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