And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
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At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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