We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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