i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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