I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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