I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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