someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the condom got lost in my hair
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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