Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
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He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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