Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
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I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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