These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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