He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
FUCK WHALES
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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