Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
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It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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