I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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