I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
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Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize