Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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