Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
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No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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