Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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