Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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