We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
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I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
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My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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