Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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