its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize