sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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