i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are two peas in an std pod
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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