Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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