im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
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