May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize