Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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