please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize