Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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