So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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