I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
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I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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