i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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