Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
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Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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