Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We need to get me chipped asap
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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